The days and years drift by very quickly.
A friend asked me one day, how and what I thought of this very simple word called “Life”
I thought for a while and started to recall my own.
I can only think of my own anyway.
After a few minutes, I told her this.
I think life is like a hurdle race.
It brought me back to my school days.
Months before the school sports, we were supposed to participate in all kinds of athletics events to score points for the house (color)
Then there is the hurdle race that I cannot forget.
You will start with a very simple low hurdle and you start running and jumping over every single one of them until you come to the finish line.
Great! Says the teacher, now you will have to come back and start all over again.
Only this time she will raise the hurdle a little bit higher.
Not a problem, go repeatedly.
We go run and jump over those hurdles with your friends cheering for you and when you fall, we all laughed.
Then the height went so high that either you fall or the hurdle would.
This not very nice teacher will just tell you to get lost.
At that point, you are actually happy because you do not need to run and jump anymore.
Sit under the tree and laugh until a friend joins you and we can talk or even compare the cuts and bruises we have achieved but not the trophy. We were happy to be left out of that race.
Today, life as I see it is just like my hurdle race in school.
Only difference, when you fall in the beginning, you get up and try repeatedly.
As the years go by and the more hurdles you got to jump.
You get very tired with age and this time you do not laugh as you use to.
This time you cry.
Tears have replaced the laughter.
Therefore I see life today still as one hurdle race after another, hurdles going higher and more difficult.
It finally got into my mind what that simple looking race is really about.
It was something we were all going to go through but not many will relate back to that simple/difficult hurdle race.
Little did I know at that time, life was going to be the same as that race?
In my life, other than those hurdles that I have so many times jumped over.
I was to live life in this silly hurdles race.
I went on with my friend telling her that I have viewed life as a hurdles race.
Each time you go through one hurdle, there will be another waiting for you.
The race will not end until the final hurdle.
In addition, the faster you reached the finishing line.
The sooner you need to come back to the starting point and start all over again.
What then do you do? She asked.
I told her, through experiences and falls,
I am begin to get very tired and yet more adept but I realized that this race will go on for as long as we live. Hurdles are the surest sign of life!
I have chosen to run slow and jump slow.
I want to take my time. Whether there is a reward or not, I am going slowly.
In this way, I will not fall so easily and painfully and if I do not finish the race fast.
I will not need to come back to the starting point so fast to face another stretch of perhaps higher hurdles waiting for me.
In addition, I said to her, in a race like this.
No one can help you; you will have to finish them all on your own.
So why not go slowly, what is the hurry?
The hurdles will always be there but not your strength.
You need to rest and then go again.
Even if you did not finish the race.
You will not be a loser; it is probably that you are just too tired to want to try harder.
In concluding to our conversation, I have left my friend thinking very hard and she thanked me, for seeing life in this simple manner.
Something taught to us when we were young.
Certainly it is a case of sports imitating life!
I have shared this with my family, especially my kids.
Let them think for themselves how I see life.
They will probably come to me someday and tell me their version.
I hope what I have said to them will at least leave a little thought into their minds.
My sixteen-year-old son insisted on taking a part time job during his school holidays.
Very seriously, he gets on this job-hunting thing.
I sit back and watched for sustained enthusiasm.
Okay, I saw it. He is serious, I thought to myself.
He had shown me his determination and that is good enough for someone his age.
I called an old friend and asked him if he would give my son a part time job.
He got his job and was thrilled.
He make sure he finishes what has to be done around the house so I will not be too tired.
He went to work for the first time in his life yesterday and knowing he is safe, I was comfortable.
Then a message came on my phone.
It was from my son, saying he is fine and it was his break time.
He asked how have I been feeling and if I am well (was really sick for many days)
Tears welled in my eyes. Feeling so much love and looking at the picture of him as a little boy, happiness took over.
When he came home, he quietly asked me.
Is this part of that hurdle race you are talking?
I answered him, feeling very proud of him and said…….yes my son.
Go slow and take your time.
I feel bliss just knowing he finally got what I was trying to say.
You see, I have always been telling my kids, when the time is right.
I will let you go but slowly.
Another race has just begun!
Given a choice, I will not be the one who will keeps raising the hurdles.
May they go slow and jump over every of their hurdles in front of them.
Meanwhile, I have chosen my pace.
I am going slowly with my race.
Been running too fast and too much for too long.
My own hurdle races and experiences have equipped me to watch and guide my two wonderful angels.
Nothing happens without a reason.
*There is no shortcut to life. To the end of our days, life is a lesson imperfectly learned*
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Saturday, October 21, 2006
In Some Small Way.
There's a tree, standing there
In such an ordinary way
But as I, Look around
Everything keeps changing
There's a leaf on that tree
And it floats into a stream
Like everything, it gets carried away
To the sea
And if we give a little of our love away
Maybe meet in the middle every night and day
If we could hear just a whisper of what the heart needs to say
It could sure make a difference in some small
In some small way
In the heart lies the key,
That unlocks your desitiny
Look within and we'll find,
Everything we're longing for
And if we give a little of our love away
Maybe meet in the middle every night, everyday
If we could hear just a whisper of what the heart needs to say
It could sure make a difference in some small
In some small way
May you cherish each moment you live
And know all the love that you give will go on, and on and on
There's a sky, vast and blue
And it lies deep inside of you
Breath it in, let it out
Breath it in again
And if we give a little of our love away
Maybe meet in the middle every night, everyday
If we could hear just a whisper of what the hearts tryin to say
It could sure make a difference in some small
In some small way
And if we give a little of our love away
Maybe meet in the middle every night, everyday
If we could hear just a whisper of what the hearts tryin to say
It could sure make a difference in some small
In some small way.
** I have found the lyrics in this song so simple to understand. And to do what it says is not difficult at all, yet many people find it impossible.I thought I would like to share this with you. I really do not know how its going to affect your heart but I sure know how it does to mine. Do listen and read at the same time. The effect will defintely be there.**
Love and Blessings everyday In some small way!
In such an ordinary way
But as I, Look around
Everything keeps changing
There's a leaf on that tree
And it floats into a stream
Like everything, it gets carried away
To the sea
And if we give a little of our love away
Maybe meet in the middle every night and day
If we could hear just a whisper of what the heart needs to say
It could sure make a difference in some small
In some small way
In the heart lies the key,
That unlocks your desitiny
Look within and we'll find,
Everything we're longing for
And if we give a little of our love away
Maybe meet in the middle every night, everyday
If we could hear just a whisper of what the heart needs to say
It could sure make a difference in some small
In some small way
May you cherish each moment you live
And know all the love that you give will go on, and on and on
There's a sky, vast and blue
And it lies deep inside of you
Breath it in, let it out
Breath it in again
And if we give a little of our love away
Maybe meet in the middle every night, everyday
If we could hear just a whisper of what the hearts tryin to say
It could sure make a difference in some small
In some small way
And if we give a little of our love away
Maybe meet in the middle every night, everyday
If we could hear just a whisper of what the hearts tryin to say
It could sure make a difference in some small
In some small way.
** I have found the lyrics in this song so simple to understand. And to do what it says is not difficult at all, yet many people find it impossible.I thought I would like to share this with you. I really do not know how its going to affect your heart but I sure know how it does to mine. Do listen and read at the same time. The effect will defintely be there.**
Love and Blessings everyday In some small way!
Friday, October 13, 2006
A Friend Indeed.
This came in the email today. After a busy day, I only got a chance to read my mails just before I wanted to call it a day. Now I am left here feeling very blessed and close to tears. Emotions of joy is what it is. Knowing you have friends out there when you are about to think there are none.
My dearest Janice, in reading what you have written, only you come to mind as the one who personifies all the qualities that you attribute to each on your list. Your cup of generosity runneth over.
I feel a need to blog this because they are words from your heart; in the voice of your soul.
With blessings, love, light to Janice Lewis.
Thank you for being my friend.
#####################################################################################
Hi Girls,
Through the tons of emails, I found this one very reinforcing. It's not about giving up but about understanding. It made me feel a bit better about myself. (Also, Smokey pissed on me this morning while I was asleep & I felt it was a message for me to do something important this morning).
I want to thank God for creating one of you I'm sending this out to you because in some way I've learnt something very useful from you all. Without trying hard and just being yourselves this is what I have experienced and received from eah of you :-
Susan - Unconditional Love, always there.
Kath - love & friendship is still bonded no matter the distance.
Shar - Resilience - You are one person who really goes out & gets what she wants.
Stef - Self-sacrifice for the bigger picture. Always putting yourself out for others
Eliza - Sharing happiness, laughter and radiating joy despite turmoil
Vinya - Always giving faith, hope & concern for others
Jeannie - Infectious, addictive Jeannie.....Never a dull moment with you
Roseta - For being real - never the pretender and for believing in me
Sherry - For getting married to the man you chose to be with for the rest of your life. (There's hope still for me!!!!)
Nadia - Beauty & brains - I'm blessed to have met you again after almost 20 years & look forward to many more years....
All of you have been there almost all my whole life and today I am so proud to know that I have each one of you as a dear sister, cousin and friend. I am glad that all the times we meet, it's mostly laughter & cheerfulness. But of course, there have been the sharing of pain, tears, frustration but we always pick ourselves up, dust off the dirt and we're back on our feet - for this is LIFE..... :)
OH yes, another thing - I truly admire your ability as mothers, in being able to nurture your kids - and all of them wonderful, funny, beautiful kids and for sharing them with me as I feel truly alive when I'm around them.
This morning I send out my most joyous feelings to each of you.
CHEERS!!!
JAN :)
Let Them Walk
NEVER GIVE UP!
Let it go ...by T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into
staying with you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to
see you,
staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you,
you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person,
it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's
part in your story is over so that you
don't keep trying to raise the dead.
>
>
> You've got to know when it's dead.
> You've got to know when it's over.
> Let me tell you something.
> I've got the gift of good-bye.
> It's the tenth spiritual gift,
> I believe in go d-bye.
>
>
> It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,
> and I know whatever God means for me to have
> He'll give it to me.
> And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
> Stop begging people to stay.
> Let them go!!
>
>
> If you are holding on to something
> that doesn't belong to you and was never intended
> for your life,
> then you need to ...LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
> see your worth...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If someone has angered you ...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and
> revenge ..
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you are involved in a wrong relationship or
> addiction ...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets
> your needs or
> talents ..
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you have a bad attitude...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you keep judging others to make yourself feel
> better...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to
> take you to a new
> level in Him...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you are struggling with the healing of a broken
> relationship....
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you keep trying to help someone who won't even
> try to help
> themselves..
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If there is a particular situation that you are so
> used to handling
> yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of
> it," then you need to...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> Let the past be the past.
> Forget the former things.
> GOD is doing a new thing for 2006!!!
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then
> LET IT GO!!!
>
>
> "The Battle is the Lord's!"
>
> During the next 60 seconds, Stop whatever you are
> doing, and take this
> opportunity. (Literally it is only One minute!) All
> you have to do is the
> following: You simply say ! "The Lords Prayer" for
> the person that sent you this message:
>
The Lords Prayer
>
> Our Father,
> who art in Heaven,
> Hallowed be Thy Name,
> Thy Kingdom Come,
> Thy Will be done,
> on Earth as it is in Heaven.
> Give us this day,
> our daily bread
> and forgive us our trespasses
> as we forgive those who trespass against us.
> And! lead us not into temptation
> but deliver us from evil.
> For Thine is the Kingdom,
> and the Power,
> and the Glory,
> forever.
>
> Amen.
>
> Next, send this message to everyone you know. In a
> while, more people
> will have prayed for you and you would have obtained
> a lot of people
> praying for others.
>
> Next, stop and think and appreciate God's power in
> your life, for doing what you know is pleasing to
> Him.
>
> If you are not ashamed to do this, follow the
> instructions!
>
> Jesus said, If you are ashamed of me, I will be
> ashamed of you before My
> Father"
>
> If you are not ashamed, send this message...only if
> you believe.
>
> "Yes, I love my God. He is my fountain of Life and
> My Savior. He Keeps me going day and night. Without
> Him, I am no one. But with Him, I can
> do everything, Christ is my strength."
>
>
> God loves you and watches over you every day.
>
My dearest Janice, in reading what you have written, only you come to mind as the one who personifies all the qualities that you attribute to each on your list. Your cup of generosity runneth over.
I feel a need to blog this because they are words from your heart; in the voice of your soul.
With blessings, love, light to Janice Lewis.
Thank you for being my friend.
#####################################################################################
Hi Girls,
Through the tons of emails, I found this one very reinforcing. It's not about giving up but about understanding. It made me feel a bit better about myself. (Also, Smokey pissed on me this morning while I was asleep & I felt it was a message for me to do something important this morning).
I want to thank God for creating one of you I'm sending this out to you because in some way I've learnt something very useful from you all. Without trying hard and just being yourselves this is what I have experienced and received from eah of you :-
Susan - Unconditional Love, always there.
Kath - love & friendship is still bonded no matter the distance.
Shar - Resilience - You are one person who really goes out & gets what she wants.
Stef - Self-sacrifice for the bigger picture. Always putting yourself out for others
Eliza - Sharing happiness, laughter and radiating joy despite turmoil
Vinya - Always giving faith, hope & concern for others
Jeannie - Infectious, addictive Jeannie.....Never a dull moment with you
Roseta - For being real - never the pretender and for believing in me
Sherry - For getting married to the man you chose to be with for the rest of your life. (There's hope still for me!!!!)
Nadia - Beauty & brains - I'm blessed to have met you again after almost 20 years & look forward to many more years....
All of you have been there almost all my whole life and today I am so proud to know that I have each one of you as a dear sister, cousin and friend. I am glad that all the times we meet, it's mostly laughter & cheerfulness. But of course, there have been the sharing of pain, tears, frustration but we always pick ourselves up, dust off the dirt and we're back on our feet - for this is LIFE..... :)
OH yes, another thing - I truly admire your ability as mothers, in being able to nurture your kids - and all of them wonderful, funny, beautiful kids and for sharing them with me as I feel truly alive when I'm around them.
This morning I send out my most joyous feelings to each of you.
CHEERS!!!
JAN :)
Let Them Walk
NEVER GIVE UP!
Let it go ...by T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into
staying with you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to
see you,
staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you,
you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person,
it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's
part in your story is over so that you
don't keep trying to raise the dead.
>
>
> You've got to know when it's dead.
> You've got to know when it's over.
> Let me tell you something.
> I've got the gift of good-bye.
> It's the tenth spiritual gift,
> I believe in go d-bye.
>
>
> It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,
> and I know whatever God means for me to have
> He'll give it to me.
> And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
> Stop begging people to stay.
> Let them go!!
>
>
> If you are holding on to something
> that doesn't belong to you and was never intended
> for your life,
> then you need to ...LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
> see your worth...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If someone has angered you ...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and
> revenge ..
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you are involved in a wrong relationship or
> addiction ...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets
> your needs or
> talents ..
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you have a bad attitude...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you keep judging others to make yourself feel
> better...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to
> take you to a new
> level in Him...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you are struggling with the healing of a broken
> relationship....
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you keep trying to help someone who won't even
> try to help
> themselves..
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If there is a particular situation that you are so
> used to handling
> yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of
> it," then you need to...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> Let the past be the past.
> Forget the former things.
> GOD is doing a new thing for 2006!!!
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then
> LET IT GO!!!
>
>
> "The Battle is the Lord's!"
>
> During the next 60 seconds, Stop whatever you are
> doing, and take this
> opportunity. (Literally it is only One minute!) All
> you have to do is the
> following: You simply say ! "The Lords Prayer" for
> the person that sent you this message:
>
The Lords Prayer
>
> Our Father,
> who art in Heaven,
> Hallowed be Thy Name,
> Thy Kingdom Come,
> Thy Will be done,
> on Earth as it is in Heaven.
> Give us this day,
> our daily bread
> and forgive us our trespasses
> as we forgive those who trespass against us.
> And! lead us not into temptation
> but deliver us from evil.
> For Thine is the Kingdom,
> and the Power,
> and the Glory,
> forever.
>
> Amen.
>
> Next, send this message to everyone you know. In a
> while, more people
> will have prayed for you and you would have obtained
> a lot of people
> praying for others.
>
> Next, stop and think and appreciate God's power in
> your life, for doing what you know is pleasing to
> Him.
>
> If you are not ashamed to do this, follow the
> instructions!
>
> Jesus said, If you are ashamed of me, I will be
> ashamed of you before My
> Father"
>
> If you are not ashamed, send this message...only if
> you believe.
>
> "Yes, I love my God. He is my fountain of Life and
> My Savior. He Keeps me going day and night. Without
> Him, I am no one. But with Him, I can
> do everything, Christ is my strength."
>
>
> God loves you and watches over you every day.
>
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Brother Dearest.
This morning was just another morning.
I woke up; did the usual same stuff that I do every morning.
I then went to lie on my bed and thoughts just came around.
I was thinking of the funeral my daughter and I attended yesterday.
I was thinking and I was thinking so many things in such a short few minutes
I finally thought of my eldest brother whom I had not seen for about two months.
I was thinking how he is and told myself that I will have to see him soon.
The phone rang and it was my brother.
I cannot say whether it was purely by chance or maybe the good angels carried my thoughts to him. I was happy and that is it.
We spoke for barely 2 minutes and I could sense that he is very unhappy.
I asked him if he would want to see me.
He immediately said …yes please.
I suspected this was not going to be the usual kind of meetings that we both normally have (going to coffee shops, talking, smoking over cups of coffee and telling each other to quit smoking) and frequently do. We always end up telling each other no need to quit….smoking.
Our late parents are probably rolling about in their graves; if only they see what their eldest son and youngest daughter are doing...Hehehhehe!
I invited him over to our home and told him that I would cook him lunch.
Hubby was very nice to go pick him up.
When he arrived, I could just sense he was not well and not happy at all.
There were so many unspoken words and hidden emotions in him, with no one to share or someone to listen to him.
I decided he will talk and I will listen.
A way for him to release all that he is holding inside him…alone.
He started telling me so many things. He began by rolling back the years to our childhood. Cherished years and bittersweet memories; and lamenting how time had drifted almost unnoticed. He was glad that the little girl that he was once so protective over had now become a good friend and confidant. As usual, tears flowed when invariably; the subject of Eddie came up. Brother Eddie whose tragic life ended so tragically.
Then it came to the part when he told me that he was attending bible class.
His pastor had told him that he had a very nice bible and I could feel his sense of pride in his eyes. Of course, he just had to tell the pastor that it was a gift from me. That must be a very proud moment for him and I could almost visualize him like a little boy beaming with a teacher’s praise.
I recalled the day not too long ago, my brother came to me and told me that he wanted to accept Christ. Somehow, I was not totally surprised.
I encouraged him; I understood him! The dutiful sister in me advised him to attend bible study classes and to understand as much as possible the path he had chosen. He gave me the honor of getting him his first ever bible.
We continued chatting and suddenly he became very quiet. Seemingly absorbed in thoughts that I was not part of. I could see it in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong. I was to realize later that it had come to the difficult part of this unexpected meeting. It was both awkward for him and surreal to me. He began telling me things that he never discussed with me before.
The years have taught me to recognize when he is serious; there was no diverting the conversation. As he went on, trying to hold back emotions was equally as difficult for him as was for me.
He has been unwell for some time now and years of epileptic fits have taken its toll on his mind and body. There are days when he is disoriented. He wanted to talk to me today because he felt mentally capable enough to be coherent with his thoughts and words. He had something important to him that he needed my views about. What struck me was that he had this urgency about him to tell someone about what was bothering him. He had been reviewing the rites of passage in his life and senses the final rite is not too far away; he is bothered about conveying his final wishes.
I could see he was struggling for words and it became apparent what he was trying to say but wanted me to ask specific questions so that it was easier for him.
Here is a man at a stage in his life where he cannot see much further than the day-by-day existence that is becoming increasingly more difficult to bear. Here is a man who is looking back at his life knowing full well how he arrived today. Here is a man who wants to be heard but realizes the barriers he put up have shut out those closest to his heart. Here is a man who has realizes he does not want to leave this life without trying to correct obvious regrets. Here is a man who wants to leave his children some wisdom amidst the seemingly unordinary upbringing he has given them.
The saddest part is that this is about a man who does not know how to say to his own wife and children what his last wishes are. Not that he is more comfortable telling me but this urgency in him has brought him to his wits end. It is about the communication breakdown and subsequent irreversible relationship breakdown between a husband and a wife. It is about the father who cannot sit his children down and tell them what he wants to say and not what he wants them to hear.
I felt very sorry for him but then again, I knew in my heart of hearts, for him it would come to this one day. I guess he realized that his children would never make the first move, nor would they expect their father to change so drastically for there to be openhearted relationships. He yearns for the openhearted relationships.
I suggested that he needed to communicate with his children and what better way to start than to talk to them rather than talk at them. He had to take the initiative and I assured him their response might surprise him. The sincerity will show through and he had nothing to fear. He then asked me to do him a favor; arrange a meeting of his three sons with him. I agreed and he seemed a bit relieved
What I have learned about my brother today is that he finally accepted that in life, death follows. I just had to tell him that there is nothing wrong with that; I shared my own experience of talking to my family regarding my last wishes. Yes, I told him I did that.
Gone are the days when people, especially the Chinese think it is taboo to mention things like this. Now if he felt that he too would want to do it; do it! In fact, it would be a good thing for him and a good start to get his children back into his lonely world. It would set them free. It is only too late if he did not begin the healing at all.
*** The bitterest tears are tears shed upon graves with words left unsaid and deeds left undone***
After my daughter drove him home, I was left feeling very sad and sorry for my beloved brother. Flashes of his life ran through my mind; of how he has ended up being so lonely, when he should be enjoying their golden years. With six grown up children from two marriages and five grandchildren, he should be a very blessed man. I guess during his younger days, he focused on his work and might have misplaced priorities. Life on the edge had its fair share of thrills and indiscretions. Successful as a young man, he made some mistakes that his own family could not forgive. Cause and effect, and the vicious cycle! The wheel turns.
Then came that fateful day when an accident gave him no choice but to stop working; something he never expected. A bad car crash left him suffering from epilepsy for more than twenty years now. He is not getting any better but only suffering more each day.
I can only guess that his family has gotten used to his attacks and numb to his suffering; they probably think he is now a burden. At least he thinks he is so.
Many times when I sit down with him in our usual chats, I just know Love does not flow freely in his family. They probably find it impossible to express love openly as my brother likely feels that to do so, even to his own children would be a sure sign of weakness. How would they then know or learn how to express their love to him? However, I know that he loves them dearly.
My brother cannot be totally to blame for the dilemma he faces. Wives do play an important role in teaching their children how to love. But that is another story.
We shared the same set of parents and were taught the same values. Maybe sons and daughters are not supposed to perceive things the same way. Search me, for I have no answer to this.
Brother Dearest, I believe that the meaning of life is to love as many people and show them how love can lift them and allow them freedoms that can enhance their lives. Teach love to the ones you love.
I woke up; did the usual same stuff that I do every morning.
I then went to lie on my bed and thoughts just came around.
I was thinking of the funeral my daughter and I attended yesterday.
I was thinking and I was thinking so many things in such a short few minutes
I finally thought of my eldest brother whom I had not seen for about two months.
I was thinking how he is and told myself that I will have to see him soon.
The phone rang and it was my brother.
I cannot say whether it was purely by chance or maybe the good angels carried my thoughts to him. I was happy and that is it.
We spoke for barely 2 minutes and I could sense that he is very unhappy.
I asked him if he would want to see me.
He immediately said …yes please.
I suspected this was not going to be the usual kind of meetings that we both normally have (going to coffee shops, talking, smoking over cups of coffee and telling each other to quit smoking) and frequently do. We always end up telling each other no need to quit….smoking.
Our late parents are probably rolling about in their graves; if only they see what their eldest son and youngest daughter are doing...Hehehhehe!
I invited him over to our home and told him that I would cook him lunch.
Hubby was very nice to go pick him up.
When he arrived, I could just sense he was not well and not happy at all.
There were so many unspoken words and hidden emotions in him, with no one to share or someone to listen to him.
I decided he will talk and I will listen.
A way for him to release all that he is holding inside him…alone.
He started telling me so many things. He began by rolling back the years to our childhood. Cherished years and bittersweet memories; and lamenting how time had drifted almost unnoticed. He was glad that the little girl that he was once so protective over had now become a good friend and confidant. As usual, tears flowed when invariably; the subject of Eddie came up. Brother Eddie whose tragic life ended so tragically.
Then it came to the part when he told me that he was attending bible class.
His pastor had told him that he had a very nice bible and I could feel his sense of pride in his eyes. Of course, he just had to tell the pastor that it was a gift from me. That must be a very proud moment for him and I could almost visualize him like a little boy beaming with a teacher’s praise.
I recalled the day not too long ago, my brother came to me and told me that he wanted to accept Christ. Somehow, I was not totally surprised.
I encouraged him; I understood him! The dutiful sister in me advised him to attend bible study classes and to understand as much as possible the path he had chosen. He gave me the honor of getting him his first ever bible.
We continued chatting and suddenly he became very quiet. Seemingly absorbed in thoughts that I was not part of. I could see it in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong. I was to realize later that it had come to the difficult part of this unexpected meeting. It was both awkward for him and surreal to me. He began telling me things that he never discussed with me before.
The years have taught me to recognize when he is serious; there was no diverting the conversation. As he went on, trying to hold back emotions was equally as difficult for him as was for me.
He has been unwell for some time now and years of epileptic fits have taken its toll on his mind and body. There are days when he is disoriented. He wanted to talk to me today because he felt mentally capable enough to be coherent with his thoughts and words. He had something important to him that he needed my views about. What struck me was that he had this urgency about him to tell someone about what was bothering him. He had been reviewing the rites of passage in his life and senses the final rite is not too far away; he is bothered about conveying his final wishes.
I could see he was struggling for words and it became apparent what he was trying to say but wanted me to ask specific questions so that it was easier for him.
Here is a man at a stage in his life where he cannot see much further than the day-by-day existence that is becoming increasingly more difficult to bear. Here is a man who is looking back at his life knowing full well how he arrived today. Here is a man who wants to be heard but realizes the barriers he put up have shut out those closest to his heart. Here is a man who has realizes he does not want to leave this life without trying to correct obvious regrets. Here is a man who wants to leave his children some wisdom amidst the seemingly unordinary upbringing he has given them.
The saddest part is that this is about a man who does not know how to say to his own wife and children what his last wishes are. Not that he is more comfortable telling me but this urgency in him has brought him to his wits end. It is about the communication breakdown and subsequent irreversible relationship breakdown between a husband and a wife. It is about the father who cannot sit his children down and tell them what he wants to say and not what he wants them to hear.
I felt very sorry for him but then again, I knew in my heart of hearts, for him it would come to this one day. I guess he realized that his children would never make the first move, nor would they expect their father to change so drastically for there to be openhearted relationships. He yearns for the openhearted relationships.
I suggested that he needed to communicate with his children and what better way to start than to talk to them rather than talk at them. He had to take the initiative and I assured him their response might surprise him. The sincerity will show through and he had nothing to fear. He then asked me to do him a favor; arrange a meeting of his three sons with him. I agreed and he seemed a bit relieved
What I have learned about my brother today is that he finally accepted that in life, death follows. I just had to tell him that there is nothing wrong with that; I shared my own experience of talking to my family regarding my last wishes. Yes, I told him I did that.
Gone are the days when people, especially the Chinese think it is taboo to mention things like this. Now if he felt that he too would want to do it; do it! In fact, it would be a good thing for him and a good start to get his children back into his lonely world. It would set them free. It is only too late if he did not begin the healing at all.
*** The bitterest tears are tears shed upon graves with words left unsaid and deeds left undone***
After my daughter drove him home, I was left feeling very sad and sorry for my beloved brother. Flashes of his life ran through my mind; of how he has ended up being so lonely, when he should be enjoying their golden years. With six grown up children from two marriages and five grandchildren, he should be a very blessed man. I guess during his younger days, he focused on his work and might have misplaced priorities. Life on the edge had its fair share of thrills and indiscretions. Successful as a young man, he made some mistakes that his own family could not forgive. Cause and effect, and the vicious cycle! The wheel turns.
Then came that fateful day when an accident gave him no choice but to stop working; something he never expected. A bad car crash left him suffering from epilepsy for more than twenty years now. He is not getting any better but only suffering more each day.
I can only guess that his family has gotten used to his attacks and numb to his suffering; they probably think he is now a burden. At least he thinks he is so.
Many times when I sit down with him in our usual chats, I just know Love does not flow freely in his family. They probably find it impossible to express love openly as my brother likely feels that to do so, even to his own children would be a sure sign of weakness. How would they then know or learn how to express their love to him? However, I know that he loves them dearly.
My brother cannot be totally to blame for the dilemma he faces. Wives do play an important role in teaching their children how to love. But that is another story.
We shared the same set of parents and were taught the same values. Maybe sons and daughters are not supposed to perceive things the same way. Search me, for I have no answer to this.
Brother Dearest, I believe that the meaning of life is to love as many people and show them how love can lift them and allow them freedoms that can enhance their lives. Teach love to the ones you love.
